It seems like the ultimate destination for Florida RV’ers is nearly always Key West.

It’s as though now we’ve escaped into the nomad world, we just want to get to the Southernmost Point. Makes you wonder how many of us just wish we could pull up the wheels, and float into the distance.

Seriously though, you won’t have your RV with you when you’re standing in line for your obligatory photo at the tip. There’s no place to park an RV when you reach your destination. You better have a toad, bicycle, or a ride into town. If you bring the toad, make sure you bring about $20 for parking.

Of course, once you arrive, most everything is within walking distance. Or you can jump on the trolley, flag a bike taxi, or get creative and have someone else carry you. It won’t be weird, I promise. Everything goes…in Key West.

Except you can’t set up a printer, and charge people $20 to take their photo at the Southernmost Point. You’ll be the guy arguing with the police about legalities, while your gear sits unattended in a mob of tourists. Apparently, there’s someone who has the gig grandfathered in, but that doesn’t mean you can do it too.

In case your trophy photo shows a few more wrinkles than you like, there’s a handy guy on Duval street who will “faux”-tox your eyes. It’s a great idea anyway, takes off 20 years, and you’ll be ready to charm the young hotties. The treatment is free, and the charismatic vendor will even do the other eye to match if you ask nicely. It might take photos of the 10-foot camper you live in, to get him to believe you don’t have the $400 to spend on the product, but hey…you’ll be his favorite customer of the day. He’ll announce it with a fine Russian accent.

With your eyes firmly pasted wide open, you’ll be better able to appreciate all the multi-purpose, carved penis can-opener/key-chains hanging in the kiosks. Pick a size, shape and color that makes you happy.

If you’re not feeling happy enough, stop for a Slushie at the Flying Monkey. It’s fun watching the pre-mixed drinks spin in barrels behind the bar, and will bring back happy memories of childhood. Better actually, because it adds alcohol. Can’t decide between a Margarita and a Strawberry Daiquiri? No problem, they mix them together and it’s pretty awesome. Now you’re ready to take in all of the colors and sounds of Key West. It’s delightful! If one wasn’t enough, you can get a to-go cup.

Take your time meandering through the streets, there’s a lot to see. Don’t do like I did and turn back the same way you came…(now I have to go back).

I think I got turned around while watching the Martin Luther King parade headed through town. Or maybe it was when a local ran out to hold the tourists back while I took a photo of the giant sailor kissing his gal statue, I’m still confused. I was in awe of the architecture of the beautiful red building behind the statue, the Museum of Art & History. I kept wondering how they escaped hurricane Irma unscathed.

If you need a rest in the shade, have a seat in one of the alcoves in the botanical and butterfly garden at Higgs Beach. It’s free, and filled with orchid gardens which must be amazing when in bloom. You might even find a little bonsai Zen garden that looks familiar from my Tips page.

If you were smart enough to wear your bikini under your hippie clothes, you can relax on the beach and soak up the sun. Everybody else does.

Make sure you end up at Mallory Square for sunset:

The square will be packed with revelers, but there is tons of free entertainment. Music, dancing, and lots of smiling monks. Of course, it was Key West, so maybe they were just pretending.

Search out the flaming Catman, Dominique, in the Square. He’s a hoot. Loud and brusque, he terrorizes his crowd and his cats in a fun way. At least he doesn’t pick up the people and yell into their anuses like he does with the cats. Have a lighter handy, so when he needs to light the hoop you can get in on the act. You might earn a signed photo to hang on your refrigerator. Just sayin’.

Take your bestie with you:

You’ll need someone to take photos. Make sure they will tell you if you have spinach in your teeth, or if you look like your 8 1/2 months pregnant because your jacket is tied under your shirt. Again, just sayin’. (One photo of me with my all-time favorite pedal-powered golf cart, and my bestie never even noticed the giant lump. Maybe the bestie you take should be a woman; we tell you that shit.)

Make sure you arrive hungry:

Some of my favorite food was found in Key West.   I highly recommend the prosciutto, swiss and basil galette at the Creperie for breakfast. I think some of the best chefs in the world would just rather hang out on an island than the big city. (Dang, now my mouth is watering again.)

Of course, being a writer, I’ve always dreamed of living like Hemingway. Finding sweet spots that inspire me, and traveling between them to practice my craft. I just had to tour his home in Key West. Well, I didn’t really take the tour, but I kind of listened in as I skirted the groups of tourists packed into the rooms. I’m sure his polydactyl cats liked me best. For the other tourists, they just posed on the bed. I got actual cuddles. Probably because I appreciated their private watering station…Ernie and I know how to treat our cats. I will admit I admire him a little more now, especially since I stood in his writing studio and visualized him sitting there in the beams of sunlight, drink in hand, cats getting in the way while he wrote. I felt his pain when I peered into the little closet toilet, and saw the chains coming down from the ceiling. That time when he reached for the toilet flush chain, and accidentally pulled the skylight down onto his head…ouch. No wonder he had the skylight taken out.

All my travel friends who know me, have told me I need to visit the keys. They were right.

They just forgot to tell me I needed to spend a whole winter.